rainbows in the grey

The term rainbow baby is to be defined as a child born after a traumatic event; this encompasses pregnancy loss, babies born sleeping and even loss of a living infant or child. The phrase is to embody hope and the celebration of the beauty to come after a storm.

My sister gave me a gift for Christmas that at first glance I was just thinking wow this is beautiful, I really like this, it vibes with me. As I was looking at all the details, for a split second I believe my thought began towards Wizard of Oz (somewhere over the rainbow, right?) but just as quickly as that entered my mind it left and I was hit with a flood of reality that I haven't quit processing since.

I've known most of my adult life about the term rainbow baby and what it defined -yet I never once associated myself as the same.

As many of you may not know, I myself am a rainbow baby.

Oddly enough, it was only in the last 2 years that I had the ah ha moment of shit! that's me!

I am a rainbow baby!

Growing up without this label adheared to my existence (as my parents weren't aware of this term), I still slowing learned everything I was expected to be for others, and in every way that I was not.

In our house, nothing was talked about, the amount of communication I grew up with was comparable to a drop of water to a drought. Talking about anything was avoided much like the Road Runner avoids Wile E Coyote.

I don't remember exactly when I learned about my brother Andy, but I believe it was at a semi young age. I learned that before I was an idea, my mom was pregnant, a full term healthy pregnancy that ended in a devastating loss during labor of Andrew Luke Sipes October 18, 1978.

I do remember being told that my mom had planned to have her tubes tied once Andy was born, but he was born sleeping so she chose not to.

I do remember being told that my mom was struggling (as anyone would) with the loss of her baby and a friend told her to fill the empty arms -that is why I'm here. Enter Samantha Liane Sipes November 18, 1980.

No pressure right?

When your whole existence is planned. Planned to be the bandaid that makes it all better for those already living.... how do you even start living a life knowing how to make live in ways that are for your own highest good when the precedent set from the beginning for your existence was intended to fill such a whole for others, vs being taught it is ok and important to live for yourself.

I will never forget the feeling and the exact moment my life coach asked me,

"What would Sami do, if no one else existed, without worry of putting everyone else's feelings and opinions into play to a make a decision -what does Sami want?"

The weight of the world lifted in that one moment and for once I just knew exactly what I wanted. This came with a tsunami of reality that I'd never before given myself the gift of processing a decision in that way. I've spent my entire life questioning every moment of every day while living for others and their approval and unfortunately without enough self realization to course correct that behavior.

This moment gave me a flash of a vision, you know movies about the kids that are planned by, and born to, families as a vehicle to be able to donate parts to siblings whom already exist and that are ill.....

I felt at this time, I get to say no, I get to stop donating parts of me to heal parts of others. That should have never been my job, to a fault, that is to sacrifice me being an individual.

But, what comes with setting boundaries and learning to correct that pattern? A lot of gain (eventually) for self, and sometimes (sadly) a lot of loss in family. It can be a hard road to learn how it is ok to make decisions for your own life, without worrying of the fallout from those around you who's life work seems to be to make you feel guilty for it. I've been told throughout my life in more ways than one-

you've always been too sensitive;

does this make you feel better to hurt me;

we can't just talk to you;

you always overreact;

and of course the silent treatment.

All for leaning in and learning to love myself, in working towards setting boundaries on treatment I'll allow in my space, that may require standing up for myself or for making a choice for my own mental health wellbeing that didn't suit for someone else or what felt best for them.

It's valid if they have shitty feelings for decisions I make, for myself -but that doesn't mean I acted against them. It isn't of my control because at the end of the day we are all each only individually responsible for ourselves and our own feelings. This means I can only help myself better understand that, and realize they are on their own, how they react to my decision for my life is their burden.

I remember when I decided to raise hell in high school drinking and doing drugs, being told I just wonder if Andy were here could he help you. Funny thing about that -if Andy were here, I wouldn't be. Maybe if Andy were here, he would have been better.

I remember feeling such resentment directed at me for being the baby, for always getting my way, for being protected like I was glass -but not understanding how that resentment had anything to do with me, I wasn't the one choosing those actions or even aware of them, I was just in receipt of them and I didn't know any different.

But let me tell you, being under glass is suffocating!

A rainbow baby can be such a celebration of life, but don't get that crossed with filling an empty position to make everyone else whole.

Self work and healing still has to be completed within.

Maybe (sometimes) being a rainbow baby isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe (sometimes) being a rainbow baby is a life lived under such unrealistic expectations set by others before you're even earthside, it makes just existing somewhat excrutiating.

Maybe (sometimes) being a rainbow baby creates this predisposed people pleasing manner, after all, you were brought here to make it all better, to fill someone's shoes that never got to wear them.

Maybe (sometimes) rainbows aren't all bright and colorful after all, and just maybe, when they're seen as the black sheep, they become self-healers, break their generational curses, leave behind lack of communication, fear, guilt, shame and start a new lineage.

Maybe that is the gift.

Take good care and travel safe, Sami