She found Herself, so He wouldn't lose Himself

The past 18 months while we have been experiencing a whole new way of normal, we have been learning so much more about each other.

And I'm not mad about it, I'm here for it!

Two of my three kids are still growing up at home, and they were in full time virtual school for the 2020-2021 school year. One in ninth grade and the other in second grade. 

As heavy as virtual school put a strain on our relationship, being together 24/7 meant that our needs, and similarities clashed incredibly. Mostly for Sam and myself.

But in that clash, came a flood of learning, and so much so for a time period I was drowning.

This time forced me into some deep self reflections.

This time forced me into learning to love myself in more ways, the ones I didn't yet know about.

But to love more of myself meant to learn more about myself, so I could find that greater acceptance and love.

I had to learn about myself, my operating system and find my own self love filled acceptance....

So that I could help him know himself, his operating system to embrace his love and acceptance of himself.

At some point in my formative years, I learned that obedience and not speaking my feelings were the key to keep me safe and loved.

It was the way of the times.

As someone that has suffered and understands the suffering, I had to show up for him in the best way I could -even if that looked like not enough, even if that looked different day to day.

My oldest is now 21 years old and at the age of 6, was diagnosed ADHD Combined type. In going through that process of filling out the forms, taking him to counseling, talking to the teacher and the pediatrician I often joked this sounded an awful lot like me. Now those around me chuckled with me but that is where it lay, in those fleeting moments way in the past.

Last year, only about 14 years later, I reached out to my primary that I believed I needed evaluated for ADHD, he forwarded me to a therapist whom in only meeting me over Zoom and not yet even providing me with an evaluation or forms to fill out, prescribed me immediately to take a medicine. 

A medicine that soon after, I'd reported to her the side effects were as severe as me not being able to read the computer monitor or menu on the tv screen -she told me to give it 2-4 weeks and when I advised I was unable to take off work which requires me to read numbers all day she then accused me as looking for stimulants and continued to bully me to take the medicine and give it 2-4 weeks. 

Reminder, she hadn't even processed me through an actual evaluation at this point. She determined in one short initial conversation over Zoom that I just had anxiety, maybe depression and if I wanted stimulants I needed to go elsewhere. I never spoke to her again. I've never felt so violated in a place I should have been the safest - WITH A THERAPIST.

As you can imagine this halted any pursuit to learn more about myself. I wasn't even asking for meds, I was asking for some answers, some clarity.

For me, a diagnosis is the tool belt, and once you have it you can learn about it and begin to fill it with the tools that fit to operate as your best self.

I gave up on that exploration for myself, but I didn't give up on it for my son, I couldn't.

Unfortunately (so I thought) the system was failing him. 

Because of being a full time virtual student, the form the teacher filled out in the ADHD process, as the doctor said "contradicted that of the forms completed by 2 parents". 

That 1 persons form, who never saw him in person, cancelled out our 2 separate forms that were filled out by the people with him all day everyday and doing the actual school work with him. I explained I'd been through this process before with his older brother, that I understand and respect the process however with all things considered there should be some adaptation and consideration that life isn't what it once was.

I knew that via a Zoom screen his teacher didn't see me correcting him every few minutes, she didn't see the man behind the curtain -she only saw the magic presented to her. 

The pediatrician wouldn't even let us schedule an appointment to talk with her so, I forced her hand and pushed for an OT referral as it was the least she could do.

And therein lies the silver lining of what I thought was the system failing him! 

I got him into OT and have witnessed with joy so much of him blossom with this priceless assistance tailored for just him.

And through him, I have continued to learn about me.

He's such an amazing soul, he is so self aware I'm in awe of him. I know I want to help him always light that flame, I don't want to be someone that distinguishes it by expecting just obedience and quieting his feelings.

Which means as I continue to learn new things, I have to continue to unlearn old things also.

I finally felt healed enough, to approach therapy and an evaluation again. I was met with more acceptance this time, I made sure to specifically state my intentions were to be fully evaluated to which I was told "we can do that!", and I was set up right then for more appointments.

Only, midway through that next appointment I was told "sorry, we don't treat adults here ", I broke down it was a waste of more time and money and just solidifying that life long feeling of being misunderstood.

It feels unfair most days how we (the uneducated in regard to the medical field) have to fight and advocate for ourselves to the point of burn out exhaustion -just to be heard, to be seen.

I still pressed, and I was given ADHD forms to fill out, and at my next appointment she did confirm I was ADHD. 

I had a quick moment with the gamut of emotions, but imposter syndrome quickly followed. 

It felt empty. 

I was told over the phone "yes, you are ADHD", but I didn't have it in writing and I still didn't have any idea of what treatment looked like or what options I could or would look for. Who knew I'd need it in writing, with more answers. I thought just being told was the answer, but this isn't a one answer experience.

My therapist then moved and I was left again without a provider.

After joining a support group for ADHD, I sought out another evaluation, one that I vetted did work with adults, and was much more in depth because I needed to know without a doubt. 

I needed that tool belt so I could begin researching, reading, learning and filling it with tools specific to me.

Diagnosis received, ADHD Combined Type.

The first tools that came for me after that tool belt -were a new understanding of self, with such a compassion and grace and love for self.

It's ineffable the ripple effect this has had in my everyday existence.

An existence, that I can now fully love the more I understand about it.

I have so many lived experiences through the so far 40 years of my life, that give me so many amazing perspectives so that I can best help others -a couple of those being my own children.

I'm not Always Late - I'm Samantha and I suffer with Time Blindness.

I'm not Bad With Money - I'm Samantha, and I suffer with Impulsivity and Organization.

I'm not Too Sensitive - I'm Samantha and I suffer with Emotional Regulation.

I'm not less than or different in a negative connotation -I simply have a different operating system but I assure you, I am normal in my own weird but normal ways.

And my children aren't these things either.

My children are not exaggerated emotional responses. My children are not careless. My children are not hyper talkative.

My children are Andrew, Clara and Sam -and they are simply beautiful humans who I hope will understand, that through their lives another persons lack of knowing and understanding differences in brain wiring -doesn't make them the labels spouted. 

It also doesn't make the other person unkind, for they can't understand what they do not know and in that we find grace not only for ourselves but everyone we encounter in a given day.

We do better, when we know better. 

I will always continue to learn, and unlearn.

And I will continue to share in hopes I make a difference for anyone else neurodivergent who feels lost, confused, lonely, and also in hopes just one person pauses and thinks I should learn more about this.

I am creating the full life we deserve, with them by my side learning together.

Take good care and travel safe,

Sami