Hey Bemma, how you been?

I’ve been thinking about you extra lately, and… I think it’s time.

“It always seems impossible, until it is done.” Nelson Mandela

That is what it says on the front on my notebook, the one that still sits with my typewriter, with your funeral notes in it.

Get to cemetery transfer her to carriage, pallbearers ride in carriage

630p Thursday meet at FCC to set up

See you again - Carrie Underwood

When we all get to Heaven - Alan Jackson

Blessings - Laura Story

Open for visitation

Closed for service….

That was our day-

Tuesday May 4th, 2021

Feels like an insurmountable amount of tasks ahead, what felt like would bring a relief, suddenly you want to take it all back.

But that isn’t for you or your best interest - that is for ours.

In the now, each day of the before, all we were thinking about was that exact moment we were in and what you needed of us .. not once about what it would look like in the after.

The funeral home..

books of caskets..

with personalization options..

decoration..

timelines of who when and where

What even is funeral planning?

How do you pick a casket, a wooden safe for your loved one, to lock them in and then, further, you protrude that box six foot under the earths surface?

People may say “that isn’t them anymore”, “they aren’t there anymore”, “they’re some place better” like it makes it any easier to place their body in this box… but it is them, it is Emma.. it is you.

We were just with you, in that body.

No amount of time will pass to make it any less heart breaking to put you, this sweet girl into a dark box, alone.

Because, we’ve held you.

We’ve looked into you face countless hours watching for you to make it to the next day and the next after that.

We’ve held you on feisty days and on days we weren’t sure if it would be the last. Even though we hoped, even though we had moments of realistic reflection you wouldn’t live a long life, absolutely nothing prepares you for the after.

On the surface we distract ourselves in the details, having your name perfectly sewn in with beautiful wings and a halo - Bemma.

It is all in the numb that we do that, because feeling it in those decisions doesn’t appear survivable.

While it may not be a normal practice, I suggested having a close friend photograph the day if for no other reason than it is what we have done all along.

I began photographing you the day you were born without knowing where that path would go, but this day, I couldn’t do this one.

It was only a chance, it was short notice he may be busy, and if so I could capture all the parts I wasn’t busy in myself -but I sure did not want to.

The last time I photographed a funeral for someone I was close to, I didn’t pick up my camera for six months.

If for no one else, I know how much alike your Mommy and I can be and this would be something over time we would like to have. I can’t exactly say it’s comforting to have them, or healing to have them because it’s raw to have them and sometimes you re break your own heart but none the less I wouldn’t want to be without them and I think that rings true for her too.

By the grace of God, Brian DeLoche was in fact willing and able to shoulder this task for us.

Being done with planning the services meant I was growing more pressed on time to write out your obituary. I took some time to sit in your room, alone.

Everyone had things to do, to get themselves ready and to collectively work to prepare for two days of goodbyes.

I didn’t bring clothes for this, literally looked at my funeral appropriate clothes and said nope! I don’t need that.

One of the hardest things, was leaving and going to the farm that night.

Your Mommy, Daddy and Meme didn’t need me there for everything and I knew they would need some time just the three of them at some point.

Driving away from my friends, my family, that night took all the air out of my lungs.

Wednesday May 5th

I took myself shopping for a few, in the meantime, clothes. Josh and the kids would be coming up and bringing me things but everyone else was shopping we just needed a break.

Later we met back up at your house, I got to hear about the Dr Seuss displays of stuffed animals (they bought enough for us all to pick one), and obviously a poop story about your Mommy.

Michelle got me the kindest gift that still hangs on my back patio, a wind chime in the thin blue line design. You didn’t get to know your Uncle Josh, and I’m sure you know he is a police officer but bigger than that - he is reason I had the time, ability and strength in knowing it was time to show up… for you.

It makes me think of when Izzie is hallucinating Denny and he keeps saying “I’m here FOR you, Izzie…”. Might seem odd, but even in those final days we popped Grey’s Anatomy on the boobtube because that’s what your mom and I watch. She’s my person.

Everyone showed me their outfits, it was the eerie calm of the storm in a way. When you are all full picture exhausted, there is an exuberant amount of laughter riddled with breakthrough tears.

Gosh darn, I cried a lot, I still cry a lot.

It doesn’t get less I don’t think.

You don’t learn to live with the pain.

You feel it.

You hate it.

You appreciate it.

You take lessons from it.

You keep going anyway.

I headed back to the farm, awaiting Josh and the kids to arrive.

I had went upstairs and was going to the bedroom closet for extra blankets maybe, who really knows.

There was a small stack of books on the floor that had been holding that closet door in place and when I slowly opened the door expecting them to all move with it - I looked down to see one book staring me right in the face that uncovered in the move..

Dr Seuss Green Eggs and Ham

. . Hey Emma!

Thursday May 6th

Cherie made it to town, she was at FCC helping set up. We had tables, tables and more tables all themed around you!

It was a fun walk through your life, right before we showed up to say goodbye to it.

Friday May 7th

Is it weird that we just wheel a human body carrying box into a room and like, yep looks good here . . . then we leave them there overnight? No? Just me? Anyway . .

I think your Aunt Sami spun out for the visitation.

Meandering around making sure things go smoothly, seeing your best friends stand there by such a tiny white casket.

Something of it was a sight to be had, with all the signs from your room on partitions, it felt like a cozy room.

At the end of the night, as the rest of us left the building, I heard once more the echoing heart wrenching screams from your mommy’s broken heart.

After that, your casket was closed.

Nine years of having eyes on your every breath, three thousand three hundred and sixty six days…the lid, simply closes.

Saturday May 8th

It’s here.

Of course I don’t have my words ready, I’ll finish at the church.

Your mom texted me, she’s in her dress sitting, she’s broken.

It hasn’t crossed my mind I would be reading your obituary to everyone, wild considering I wrote it as you.

My mom brought some of my favorite flowers, I laid them with you right before I attempted to share your life in few words.

They told me to hold the mic right at my mouth but there is something of a freeze that happens and all you can do is use every one of your systems to get the words out.

It was a beautiful service. Preacher Mike did amazing job with the story telling about you and messages to suit.

There is no being strong and holding back those tears today.

The carriage ride at the cemetery was a perfect fit, and it was as if you directed the balloons into the shape of a heart right before our eyes -telling us “I love you”, visually, before we all headed back to the church.

That evening we decided to go to your house for more togetherness, because tomorrow comes all too soon.

Tomorrow I head back to Tennessee and tomorrow, is Mother’s Day.

Tomorrow starts an entirely new, after.

But tonight, we were surrounded by family, laughter and love.

Good night sis

All funeral photographs below are courtesy of Brian DeLoche, bless his heart that he can show up this way for others.