just breathe

you'll never live this moment again.Sounds simple.Stop. Close your eyes. Take a slow deep breath. Feel your lungs expand. Relax and breathe out.That is a miracle! The most repetitive, daily miracle we witness -we feel everyday. But we don't always notice it.Three years ago, I learned how quickly that can vanish without a warning.March 27, 2012 -I was off (sick) from work. The last time I sat through a hair appointment, leaving my phone in my purse. So many missed calls, voicemails. Mama Sealy said Emma stopped breathing. Sami, Emma stopped breathing you have to get to the hospital now! Mickayla needs you! I can feel the steering wheel in my hands, I can hear my heart beat and feel my breath. So much traffic. The hospital never felt so large, I must have walked halls for days with 17.5 elevator rides in between. The PICU doors opened, there center room I can see my family, there -my heart stopped. I had a purpose, I had a job. Dropped my purse and grabbed tightly a hold of my friend, my sister, my person! I will admit I tried to avoid looking into that little bed. So many wired, tubes -where was baby Emma even at?! She was still so tiny and frail. (You would have never known she could fart like a grown man who just ate the north end of a south bound skunk!) I knew in my gut that she had to be ok. But my heart was broken and unsure.Hours turned into days and days into weeks. Sitting by their beds -watching my friends sleep and their baby breathe. As moms we all joke at one time or another about getting up in the middle of the night to see if our babies are breathing. Living in that moment, sitting on that tall stool watching a tiny chest rise and fall -grasping your chest when the breath seemed to pause, or did it..... I can still see it, the video playback is very much real. It haunts me at the same time I feel blessed to have such an experience. I am blessed to be able to sit here and feel with every inch of my being that amazing miracle of every breath I take.It wasn't long ago, Mickayla asked me a very loaded question. "How did you do it? How did you sit there knowing there was nothing you could do? How were you strong?" Of course in this moment, she was feeling her own heart breaking. She was in my seat, with another child's life hanging. I told her the only thing I could, I knew it is what I had to do. I knew being there was what I had to do and that was doing something. And just as she was calling me, I called on others to have my emotional breakdown release. Then when I would call her, text her, sit by her side I was all there and able to tell her what she wanted to hear but in the way of what she needed to hear. She isn't my person because we sugar coat things. She is my person because although we want to hear things -we give each other what we need to hear. I held her tight on my lap, I let her breakdown. I held her hand and locked eyes when she was getting the most important phone call of test results because I knew I was grounding her, to keep her focus on hearing what she was being told. This was the same day I almost met a healthcare official at the dark end of a back alley -I am sure I could write all night, I could go day to day as if it is just happening. I won't be sleeping regardless but I may choose to dry up the tears for today. My family is being reminded even more so lately how precious life is. How precious the ability to breathe is. We forget we aren't guaranteed tomorrow, we forget to be thankful for today -as it is a gift! Emma's life is a perfect example of that. Truth? I have suppressed, tried to forget she is still that day to day baby I sat next to in a hospital for weeks. Everyday she wakes up, is a milestone. We all to easily celebrate the obvious milestones -babbling, rolling over, sitting, crawling and walking etcetera etcetera etcetera. Don't take for granted everything (every breath) in between.  I've never been so proud  and humbled to be witness of this family overcoming the obstacles handed to them. Watching them grow into amazing human beings. I hope to look at this day, not as the day Emma stopped breathing -but the day all of our lives began anew. Because of her, we've all grown. Emma gave us the best gift, she has reminded us how to love and live like there is no tomorrow.......And of course, snap some photos! Even if someone becomes ill, don't stop preserving memories. It is never easy but you will be thankful to have them.-abcs