my mind is like a tunnel
the further you go into it, the darker it gets -and just like that there is always light at the end.Are you afraid of the dark? Here it is, let us take a drive.More times than not, just going to WalMart is overstimulating to me. Those who may actually see me out may wonder if I see you, I do. But the unprepared for small talk that would inevitably happen gives me anxiety like no other. I stumble over words, say too much of everything/nothing and just these encounters alone are why I am convinced everyone either must think I am a complete weirdo or total witch... Then on the flip side those who give the "Hi, How have you been?" while continuing on their path, when I smile say "Great! How about yourself?" and get no response.. I hope you at least hear me, knowing I genuinely am happy to see your face and wishing all is well in your life (and am also thankful we each can just continue on our shopping). I'm just an adhd introvert who's coping mechanism to outside life is to word vomit, and shut down inside not even knowing what to do or say. (insert appears to be a weirdo). This is also why I almost never answer my phone, you can't schedule and be prepared for phone calls -my gut turns like a rat swimming in slop!I am not anti-social, but sadly I secretly watch social media life of others go by week after week constantly in cahoots with each other in these great groups of close friends and wish what that must be like. My ideal life would be to have the group of friends all with kids at staggering ages growing up together always at each others birthday parties, just because cook outs, game nights always someone popping in just to chit chat over coffee, laundry and what have you. I can see it, I can explain it and of course give perfect movie examples of it -but for some reason, I can't live it. I'm terrified from the inside out daily. Deep down I just (know) that if I asked anyone to hang out, they are thinking yay! how do I dodge the weirdo....? That fun, life of the party, girl some are used to seeing is just my insides throwing up- an overabundant nervous wreck.So what you get, or rather what you see is just a smart ass jokester who doesn't have much care about anything. Life is easier that way, right? There has become an ongoing joke between quite a few of us that if Sami cries, it's serious. I have some how in this journey become quite the professional at being closed off. It wasn't ever a goal, and it isn't fun. But when I give, I give. When I love, I love. And when it hurts, I hurt! (Par example) My favorite time to go grocery shopping, bright and early in the morning surrounded by a few handfuls of a much older crowd. Sam and I smile, laugh and help with all sorts of little tasks we can notice that will just brighten their day. These people don't know me, so I can open up the caring and helpful part of me -I won't see them again. Silly right?! This is my real life folks.Overcommitting, then not following through is a constant inner struggle that is the most frustrating because I just can't seem to control the introverted side taking over. When you want to do things, volunteer to do things, then the anxiety of going anywhere just keeps you home. And once you have flaked out forget it -constant shut down mode around that situation because of course they must be thinking bad things about you. Poor Clara has wanted to volunteer her time, to helping others and when the day came I've curled up and died inside keeping us home. She doesn't realize until the day has passed and does get sad over missing plans we had made. No joke, even doctor appointments -multiple ones I will reschedule 2 and 3 times just because I don't feel emotionally/mentally prepared to go, just yet.Lately, I've seen a lot of me, in my kids. The (want to) do things, school activities sports and the like -then the shut down when it comes time to DOING. I have got to find myself, outside. For them. How do you find where you fit in at 34 years old. How do you swallow, realizing in the middle of outing yourself in a blog that you think you had the perfect group of friends but because of one argument with one person, you removed yourself completely and are terrified to converse with anyone. Will it just hurt all over again, to lose the hope of gaining that one person back in your life who you shared everything with for years and knew you better than yourself -full acceptance. Would it ever be the same? Is that a plan of life played out as it was suppose to? It's been so long. Maybe I'll reach out to her. And it will be OK -Come what may.In the past year we have been learning and utilizing some healthier/chemical free alternatives and I have to say that because of this journey (and meditation) I am finding out more about myself and coming to grips with it all. Maintaining emotional and cognitive health is a blessing. I don't have to be the way I've been. I have a brave heart, and I still do have a lot of soul underneath my skin -I believe it's calling my name. If you see me, and I don't chat it up please know that I am not being a snot. Small talk, is just an introvert’s kryptonite. I would love to have an actual conversation with you, with most anyone. But small talk in passing, will send me into self destruct no matter how hard I fight it. Do take my invitations as sincere and also know, if I agree to do something on your invite I will wait for your follow up -it's like asking for help, I can't do it -I can't call you up and say hey about those plans we were making....... Life gets busy, but how about some of that down time. I'm ready, are you?!-Sami 