I didn't grow up a church going gal, it wasn’t something we did.

Over the years I have had plenty of questions and wondered, how do so many people just believe.

I just couldn't understand giving all my worries over to a belief that there is someone, somewhere, planning my life for me.

I gradually started thinking that you get what you give.

You put positive thoughts out and the universe will bring positive things back to you.

It isn't a fast change, but it has been a very rewarding work of heart, mind and soul.

It is, a believing. It is a start. It is curiosity and learning.

But, to make this story whole..

I need to tell you about my brother, his name is Andy.

For some reason he passed up this life on earth, to allow me to live it.

Andy was born sleeping, October 18, 1978.

My mom would have had her last baby that day.

I can't imagine what that hurt was, is, like for my mom, but all I know is I am thankful she wanted to try again allowing me to have her as my mom, and to her I was born November 18, 1980.

I can't pinpoint when it began happening but I started noticing numbers in life. I'd look over at the time and think cool, it's 10:18! Or 11:18! Or just a random 18 anywhere.

But it wasn't until the last few years I started to notice them more and even so in some relevance, whether I was needing a reminder to keep my head up or something big was about to come about.

Somedays there are just 18s everywhere I look and I take notice, be on the look out for something significant or just remember everything will be ok!

18 is my Angel number, 18 is my brother and I'm lucky to know without a doubt he's always with me.

Or so I always thought it was a sign of it’s ok… until September 28, 2015.

The kids and I went to spend the evening with Papa, it was a great visit he was awake and talking to us. I also got amazing pictures of the bond between him and Andrew.

But when we got home my daughter Clara handed me something.

Clara, Sam and I had participated in a 5k just a couple weeks before on September 11th.

When we get home Clara comes and hands me her race bib that had been in her room this whole time.

The number on the race bib is 279, I immediately noticed 2+7+9 = 18.

Andy was here and I knew at that moment….

I wanted to yell and tell him to go away, that I don't need him right now because we have more time.

The next morning September 29, 2015 I took Sam to meet with a daycare in preparation for me taking an old job back.

We were going to make a quick visit, swing by to see Papa and then home for an exterminator appointment.

He got to playing so well that we stayed at the daycare all morning.

On the way home -all the gas stations were staring me in the face with the gas price $2.18. My heart

When I made that appointment that morning I was leaning to the 2-4p slot but something kept pulling me to the 12-2p slot.

This made me go home after the daycare, when I would have otherwise been there with Papa, when he needed to be ready to go to sleep.

I went to text my mom, I got the (Drivemode autoreply).

She should have been at work, and all those signs with 18 on them flashed back and I sank in the corner of the kitchen against the cabinets.

I got up, grabbed little Sam and I rushed over to get Andrew from school.

We said goodbye to the twinkle in your eyes, the happiest love in your smile, the warmth and strength in holding your hand and comfort in your hugs.

On Tuesday September 29th, we said goodbye to your body.

I have to believe that you are still with us, very presently so. I have to believe there is heaven. I have to believe you are there, and with our family who went before you.

On October 1st we had the great pleasure of meeting many people you made an impact on in your life. We heard stories and laughter. And of course shared a lot of tears and snot!

I asked you before your funeral, please keep telling us stories -I promise we will be listening. I want to know you're here but not here.

Shine your light down on me, lift me up so I can see. Shine your light when you're gone and give me the strength to carry on.

The funeral service was beautiful and even harder than I could have imagined.

Nana had them play Mansion Over the Hilltop, I tried listening to the words and saw a moment of sadness in Nana that she had been doing well to keep in.

I had to hold her, I love her so much. She asked me, “Do you think he is getting my Mansion ready?”. I told her “Of course, and I am sure he is going to make it red!”.

She said “Yes, a red door!”.

She will have a red door on her Mansion, that you are getting ready for her.

We had a moment of laughter through tears but that was that.

The afternoon was spent with family and friends, but unfortunately I had a wedding booked for the weekend and I had to go.

The rehearsal was that night in Springfield and while I thought being busy and at work would help I wasn't sure how I was going to possibly pull off my normal happy self for a wedding weekend.

Andrew needed homecoming clothes (that we had been too busy/forgetful to buy) so for the first time ever, he went with me to the rehearsal so we could shop after.

We arrived at the location and I did my normal greeting of the bride, wedding party and started looking at last minute detail preparations.

We worked our way outside to scope the ceremony location for a few.

We walked back towards the building to go around and up a hill to check the reception spot and there, I gasped.

Up on the hilltop, leaning next to a tree was a red door!

Andrew and I both were in awe!

No words. None.

Their wedding colors did not even include red!

They went on to tell me it was a last minute drop off for a possible seating chart, that they then decided not to even do.

Andrew and I knew that door was there for us.

Papa was at the rehearsal!

If you don't believe in God, in heaven, how will your loved ones talk to you?

For me, the proof is in the door!

Up on a Hilltop a red door!

So many times in the last weeks Papa would repeat, "we just don't know, do we".

I know he didn't want to leave us, I know he said he was afraid.

But Papa, we do know.

We know you are ok now.

We know you are going to stay with us, we know somehow there was a plan that took Andrew with me to that rehearsal and he was able to see YOU first hand with the red door.

Thank you for giving him the hope, courage and ability to believe.

Take good care and travel safe,

Sami

I've got a mansion just over the hilltop,In that bright land where we'll never grow old;And someday yonder we will never more wander,But walk the streets that are purest gold.