Trees of Insecurity
.....it just takes one seed to grow.
I have spend the majority of my life wanting to curl away and hide for five to seven day stretches.
I have waited to go shopping. I have even called in to work just to get a little more healing time in.
I was blessed with the gift of getting cold sores/fever blisters, a trait I share with my mom.
So after I run a fever, if I get incredibly stressed or forget the SPF in my chapstick and get the sunburns, boom hello growth!
As soon as that tingle starts, my insides feel panicky and I start the process of attempting to overdose on Lysine, Abreva, Tea Tree and Peppermint oils.
Not only are they uncomfortable and painful -this will be days of not wanting to leave the house, days of looking at the floor while walking, trying to not draw attention by smiling (and if you've met me I love smiling, smiling's my favorite) and definitely don't want any pictures please! ...unless I take them and can use my photoshop skills...
You see, people can just be cruel with no regard to the ramifications thereafter, sometimes without even knowing. And I am not just talking my childhood, growing up trying to learn and navigate what it means to have kindness towards others.
But even as adults, only older by technicality of the years they've spent in their physical body -behaving as if they don't have the years behind them to learn kindness.
Unfortunately, or fortunately (somedays I am undecided), I have had many encounters with individuals while growing up and even still, as an adult. I've been the target of many jokes and snide remarks, comments of "ewww" and "gross" of course "you have herpes" (with negative connotation) along with insinuations of a sexual nature.
Yes, I have herpes simplex virus 1, and I will live with flair ups my entire life.
What I don't have to live with is letting others speak to me in a way to imply feeling less about myself.
So don't mind me, while I sit over here continually unwrapping layers of damage I took on to discover that full love within myself as I wish upon you good day and no longer invite those into my space.
I used to let all the comments roll off my back, or so I thought. I am here to be honest with you, as I am being more honest with myself -all of those comments sank in and grew roots that developed into yet another tree of insecurity.
I found myself here again this past week, I spent the better part of a week on the beach oceanside in Florida and I have the beautiful cold sore to prove it!
It's been big all week, not even remotely disguised on my lip, but completely standing out, above my lip.
Finally, I decided -whatever! And that whatever took a lot of courage!
We all have something(s) about ourselves that have been point of interest at place in our lives that was a less than desirable feeling. What I am learning is recognition of those feelings within myself and how to allow healing in a place that is safe, and what that looks like to continually honor myself in that place.
I know I can love myself, for me, and no one else or their preferences.
Just as I hold love for everyone I encounter, I don't need to know or feel a need to approve your story -your cold sore, none of it is mine to worry about.
You do you, I will do me.
It's liberating to be aware of encounters through out your day where you can be kind, even if being kind is keeping your mouth shut when you would have otherwise projected your unnecessary opinion or judgment on another.
What we may unconsciously do, as others did around us, matters.
I live to not have judgmental thoughts of others, sometimes old habits creep in a thought -but I definitely work mindfully to not verbalize.
My kids hear my words and the most simple words of "wow, look at him/her" with any negative connotation (hair style, weight, clothing etc. etc.).... creates continuation into the next generation of unconscious unkind preferences we project onto others.
Cutting down my trees one at a time, allowing the sun to shine in.
Take good care and travel safe,
Sami
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