Preferential Downpour

Just the other day we had school picture day approaching for my youngest.

He and I had talked about going to get his hair cut in preparation for picture day -that's what everyone does right?

We get a fresh hair cut, maybe new clothes, or  dress up, we look our best ... because it's school picture day, you're (suppose) to look nice.

I remember feelings around this growing up, the underlying pressure to get on your Sunday best while doing something special with your hair. I remember feelings that I didn't recognize then, but do so now, of picking clothes based on what made me feel most comfortable in my own skin.

That was important to me, how I felt in my clothes.

Now as a mom and thinking back through picture days thus far of my 3 kids, I see phases where I've acted under societal pressures (you need to look your best today) and where I've acted on what's true to me (they are your pictures, wear what you want).

Although until recently, I wasn't self aware of those phases and what they meant to the overall support of self acceptance, love and happiness for that of me and my kids.

I heard myself this week, I heard myself and I tuned in to the overall aura and vibes my son was giving off letting that gracefully guide me through a learning moment.

For about a week I was reminding him that school picture day was coming up soon and we'd need to get him in for a haircut before that day. Day before picture day comes up and I remind him "Ok, we have Scouts tonight and then when we leave the meeting we will go get your hair cut because you have pictures tomorrow".

He seemed fine with that, he wanted to get a haircut -or maybe he did? When it came time to leave Scouts he asked if we could just go home, he needed to use the bathroom and wanted to do that at home before we went anywhere else. And once we got home, he just seemed indifferent about a haircut and cozy on the couch.

I let myself just snuggle up next to him on the couch and relax -vs prior tendencies I've exhibited in the way of rush rush rush, we have to go go go cause there is stuff to do so we need to go and go now so we can get back to finish all the other things we need to do tonight. I asked him, do you want to go now and get a haircut? It doesn't matter to me if you do or do not want to, just that if you do want to they will close soon so we should go.

I thought well shit! I should have led with that, all week I should have led with just asking "do you want a hair cut before picture day" and never have just insinuated "you need a hair cut before picture day". I know while I did ask him a few times, I also did make it sound like he should choose that option.

So I told him then, if you want a hair cut that is fine and we will go. If you don't want a hair cut that is also fine and we will sit right here together. You just tell me how you want your hair and if you would like me to I will help style it in the morning.

He said yes, let's use my super strong gel in the morning and just do my hair I don't want to go get it cut.That was easy enough, and much less anxious/tension ridden.The next morning I asked him how he wanted his hair and we went to work.

It was then, I caught myself, at one point just before I began to speak I caught myself about to tell him "it would look cooler if we did this/that with it".

Weight on the chest! How many times have I done that? Unconsciously told my kids something such as how they should or should not look in any capacity.

That isn't what we are here for, on this earth as humans, just to look a certain way.         

If you did your hair like this it would be cuter.         

It would look a lot better if you did your hair like that.          

You would look better if you did this/that vs that/this.........

I was able to stop myself in that moment and happily ask, "did I get your hair the way you want it?", and he said yep!Well hells bells -that is all that matters!

I was about to impress upon my innocent 6 year old, my preferences, on his appearance. That is in no way, helping him to foster discovery of his own preferences on his appearance -which are the only ones that matter! I felt like for the most part I get it, anytime the kids want their hair cut I let them choose 100% what they want done at their hair appointments. It's hair, it grows back and it's hair -their hair.

Tell the lady how you want it cut, I'm here to help explain if you need but I'm not here to stand on the sidelines telling them different than that of your decision. As far back as I can remember I have freely let them pick out their clothes, in shopping and in getting dressed everyday. I have enough in life to do, and that doesn't include the need to micromanage how they dress because their style is their own and they are the only ones that know what that is. (I mean, I do suggest they put something clean on).

But I didn't realize in other areas, where I wasn't getting it. Handing out our preferences on others, it's the norm in so many ways if you really sit and think about it.

How many articles do you see about:         

Best Hair for Your Face Shape         

Best Clothes for Your Body Shape/Size

Just to name 2 that have an unlimited amount of versions circulating.

I freaking googled one of these about a month ago! I had been letting my hair grow but hand't been feeling myself lately and came to realize that was actually a part of it. My hair.  So instead of just knowing ME and what I resonated with -I second guessed myself to no end on whether I should just cut my hair again.

I googled -Best Hair for Your Face Shape!

What in the actual hell was I doing?!

Asking some rando article online how the shit to do or not do my own hair?!

This is our world -a world where my 13 year old posts to the gram asking should I wear this or that?

Should I do my hair like this or that?

When she asks me what she should wear out of given choices I try to just ask her, what does SHE like better and why? (She gets so frustrated with me when I won't tell her a black and white answer).

But I want to ask her, what makes her feel good inside, and comfortable in her own skin outside. Instead she's in a season that she needs for me, or someone, to tell her what she SHOULD wear.

I am sure I have contributed to that in the past, unconsciously asking questions of why/what is she wearing, how her hair is done -insinuating that it's not good enough per my preferences.  That wasn't what I meant, but unless we are very consciously choosing our words/tone every second, it happens.

When we style our hair and LOVE it -only to be met with someone commenting "what did you do to your hair?" or anything of the like, even in a small amount this can  begin a cycle where we question in that moment, our own self trust even as far as our appearance.

We go out in an outfit feeling FIERCE -only to have someone ask "what the hell are you wearing? should you be wearing that? isn't that a little tight?"

What must everyone be thinking of me? Is everyone else doing this? Looking at me and judging what I am or am not wearing? How do they think I look?

And we start this cycle of asking-DOES THIS LOOK GOOD?     SHOULD I WEAR THIS?     DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

Compliments are grand! Compliments can always be welcome in genuine circumstances! But lets face it, those feelings or justifications of "I'm saving So Inso from looking a fool in that getup" -are completely unfounded because it isn't up to you or I to decide we need to save anyone from anything. Especially in the manner of appearance.

Guys and girls -do the damn thing, wear what lights your soul on fire! Or don't wear it if it doesn't!

Dammit, I hate wearing a bra! But grew up as if it was ghastly unacceptable and I even slept in them far too many years so my unmentionables weren't noticeably uncovered -under a shirt.

Still trying to un-program that from my list of insecurities and let the titties breath life without feeling like I'm living offensively.

Reality is, we don't have to voice a preference to others, even if we have one, even if they ask of us the question. We can however, help foster that self love and acceptance by holding a genuine conversation that asks questions providing a judgment free zone to encourage self discovery in what makes an individual feel joy in their own appearance.

Create a life that begins with joy from the inside, not about what (others may think) it looks like on the outside.Brought to you by a 6 year old's -school picture day......Take good care, travel safe.Sami