Sleepover at Emma’s (pt. 5)

Oct 13

Monday May 3, 2021

Emma made it another night.

Another night of going to her bedroom door every couple of hours, with a little extra sleep for me thanks to Michelle.

There hadn’t been any breakthrough pain since Saturday, she was consistently comfortable from what we could tell.

It was as if Friday was GO day, Saturday was GO day number two like we were all in this adrenaline rush thinking it could and would happen at any moment and with such confusion around what does this actually look like, how does this actually play out.

Stressors of finding the best dose of medications, the best method to administer, the time frames, the thoughts that once we started the morphine she was just going to die quickly.

That was scary.

Horrific.

It’s a rainy day. We were all walking around on stumps at this point.

A Nurse from Hospice was scheduled to finally come that morning.

Adam showed up with big bags full of food, enough to cook the greatest country breakfast feast with a smile on his face to serve, yet you could see nothing but a broken heart. So many people were in this, we are a big team that has become a big family.

We had another coffee delivery as well, and people had been pooling together bringing multiple clothes baskets of household goods, snacks, care items.

The community around Emma was showing up to care for every one of us and all we had to do was care for Emma.

Emma wasn’t going out alone and our friends, our best family -they weren’t going to go through it alone…

My word we were having discussions like what to do (when and if) we actually KNOW it is time?

Scratch your butt with that thought-

We were sitting around with these words coming out of our mouths planning that at the moment…

when this sweet innocent 9 year old girl, takes her last breath, actually dies, she is going to die -we have to make sure it is her Mommy, Daddy and Meme in with her.

How do you even wrap your mind around that conversation? How many days had we been actually been sitting watch?

Do we start with when Emma was 6 weeks old?

How do we all walk away from this back into life?

To look back, is to see what we’ve endured…..

Anyway…

I’d went in for another one of our alone chats, here we were wondering what or better, who is she waiting for.

I sat by her, I held her hand, I told her we were ok, I told her we had her Mommy, Daddy and Meme.

Her body had all but quit but according to the hospice nurse her heart was trucking along strong as ever… ugh dammit, I’ll never forget what that looks like.

Even as we knew she was drifting, when you’d think it would be hard to watch, (to see) and while it was it was simultaneously quite to the contrary- it was almost hard to take your eyes off of her.

I think it must have been the peace on her face, empty of the pain.

Meme had been in telling Lil Sister it was OK. Boy did she grow up quick, she has taught us all a lot too.

I think we all were just trying to keep reminding her how much we loved her and missed her already but that SHE DID IT!

She fought so hard and it was Ok.

Ok to rest high on that mountain top.

Ok that she’s just moving on, a change of address..

I heard everyone telling Emma about the family waiting for her, reminding her Faith was waiting for her.

Telling Emma these stories so she would know who was going to embrace her, so she knew she wouldn’t be alone in a new strange place, and that we wouldn’t leave each other alone down here.

Emma was heading to HIS house and so many of her people were already there.

You hear stories of families where it is the exact opposite, where tragedy tears them apart.

But Emma, she didn’t have us questioning Him, she helped us get to know Him.

I think Emma, must have been anchored in her faith for she never seemed to waiver in her happiness despite all her struggles.

What an added experience on this journey that there came along a girl named FAITH -something we’ve all learned to embrace from Emma’s place in our life.

Emma…. was going home

Truly to Him, We shall return.

She was going to run for the first time, it was going to be the greatest Glory to God.

We had known on Sunday that Emma would not leave her room past that day, we’d keep her comfortable in her bed.

I think I already said Monday was rainy.. Sunday/Monday are the most crisscrossed in my memories.

I may not have all the timelines tack sharp but never the less, that doesn’t matter, the details are there.

Better yet, I think maybe Monday was when we ran into town and I got the Jesus Loves You ornament.

We had moved Emma’s rocking chair into her room so people could sit in there easier with her.

And we put her favorite movie on, Moana all day!

We got her some fresh clean clothes picked out, at this point we were just in it for the long haul, only she could decide and decide she had not yet done.

Mickayla was puzzled more than ever, she just had this feeling not everyone had been there yet, Emma was waiting.

The only thing she could figure out was worth a try - Emma’s teachers, they needed to know they were invited and belonged with us. They were the only ones of Team Emma not there that we could think of.

In Emma’s room I was humming and singing this song, to myself mostly. Then I felt this strong draw to share it, to sing it which turned into playing it.

Miss Nonie was sitting in this little kids wooden chair, gosh the things that woman can endure.

She was holding Emma on her lap.

I sat on Emma’s bed directly across from her, Mickayla and Michelle on each side.

We circled around her and I played this song

Fix me Jesus, fix me
Oh fix me, oh fix me, oh fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for my home on high
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for the by and by
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for my starry crown
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me for a higher ground
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Oh fix me, oh fix me, oh fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Fix me Jesus, fix me
Oh fix me

It was a prayer too, for and with Emma.

The four of us women, in a circle around Emma,

It was one of the most heart wrenching-

One of the most BEAUTIFUL moments of my life.

We surrounded her in love, always.

I had not held Emma since my first actual day here, Thursday, and I was ok with that it was a really good visit.

And the more she held on, everything felt up in the air and in question.

Then Miss Nonie insisted, and handed me this sweet girl once again.

There in the corner of Emma’s room, her and I in her rocking chair we sat and we talked.

All the years, all the moments flooded my eyes.

How did I have peace with Thursday and in this moment I was terrified it would be the last time I would feel her in my arms.

I can close my eyes and I’m in that corner of her room, I can feel the chair and feel her in my arms. I took it ALL in. Her little fingers, her curly eyelashes.

I can also hear her breathing., the sound of her sweet voice with each exhale -as they got fewer, slower -I’d find myself lost in counting in between and as the numbers counted higher I felt myself holding my own breath.

That moment I almost passed on, can still bring me comfort .. and also rip my heart out.

Emma’s teachers showed up in the afternoon, it was fun to hear them talk about all of her orneriness. We all just sat there in Emma’s room for what felt like forever, just a girls day you’d almost forget why we were there.

For that time, I was just sitting holding a sleeping Emma.

It was getting close to her next dose coming due so I offered Holly to take my place, if she wanted to.

I was grateful with the time I got, and I still had a job to do, this time was worth sharing with all who loved her like I did.

I remember giving Emma her morphine, her atropine, Mickayla cleaning up her eyes getting a bit gunky.

Holly continued to hold her and I went to the kitchen table sitting by Michelle. We were eating, chit chatting and getting a bit mentally prepared for another night.

Holly had come out, joined us in the kitchen.

Kory sat with Emma in the rocking chair reading to her (Green Eggs and Ham), Mickayla and Miss Nonie were with them a little downtime after the visiting. The hospice nurse had come back, I think as a support also for her friend in nursing Miss Tonie.

I had looked at the clock and it was about that time again.

I excused myself from the conversation and got her medicine ready.

I headed down the hall ready to bebop through that bedroom door and it was met with resistance. Something wasn’t right, I saw Miss Nonie’s sweet face in the crack, our eyes met.

I turned and walked back down that hall, but I didn’t know where I was.

When I found myself sitting back down at the kitchen table Michelle looked at me, I looked at her feeling my eyes lock open and shook my head minimally but quickly “no”.

This was it.

Michelle and I headed to our post, that we didn’t know was next. We stood guard of that door while our best friends as a family cried over their daughter and little sister.

To be continued…

Take good care and travel safe,

Sami

Images from here out will be small moments in remembering her in life, once she was transitioning out of the home in her body, no more pictures were taken. <3