Off Roading in a Red Wagon

I am so proud watching my kids, seeing them for what they chose to do, not because of what I do or do not tell them they should do.

What I have learned as a mom and observer to my kids, is they personally respond better to natural consequences and making their own choices based on how those make them feel. Their pride and satisfaction in self when the rewards are from choices they made on their own is priceless to witness.My daughter has had grades on the lower end of the schools grading scale. But I don’t make her feel bad about that. I don’t shame her for it. I don’t talk down to her and I don’t scold her saying you can do better.I used to, I used to say I think you can do better. But I quit.I ask her, do you feel like you’re trying your best? If you worked your best on that assignment/that class etc, then that grade is OK. If you feel like you can work harder, that is ok also and you will figure it out.It is not up to me to decide and tell her, scolding her with “you can do better!”. Because I am not her and I don’t know truly know, can she do better...? Does she even want to do better? What is better? It's relative and society driven expectations.She did decide for herself in what capacity she could or could not work harder at her school work and based on how her grades did or didn’t make her feel. I didn’t take away her phone or any other life privileges and shame her while doing so.I encouraged her to self discovery about the feelings in the moments and when she found her own motivation based solely on what she wanted her grades have went to the higher end of the grading scale and she is feeling excitement about that. She is feeling proud of herself about that. We don’t always give our kids enough credit, or the tools to make decisions for themselves. We are their parents but we forget, we are not their dictator. If we make every decision for them, how will they navigate life as adults without us.Just like the painted lines on a roadway are meant to guide us to stay in a safe zone, but they don’t stop us from veering off the road way. We can be the line, guiding, for things like grades, a clean room and good hygiene. Experiences and choices therein that are not unsafe. We can let them run off the road a little and learn from it. A bad grade isn’t an unsafe occurrence in life but it can be a tremendous learning experience and that in itself is a gift we can give them.A dirty room isn't the end of the world (yes I struggle with this one) but when they decide they don't like their room messy on their own -hello, no more struggle asking/telling them to clean it.There have been phases also where they want to decline bathing to what others may consider the (right) amount. Do they look dirty? Do they smell terrible? No? Then let them go a few days without and it isn't the end of the world. Cause when a young girl stops butting heads and decides I don't like my face or hair greasy... or I realize my armpits smell a little and showering much more frequently became her decision it is never again a question or instruction of did you shower/you need to go shower.A gift of learning to navigate for themselves, for when they are grown and out on their own they will remember finding their own way, their own values, their own feelings and be able to make their own decisions for that -and not what would mom or whoever say/think. We can still be a guardrail to save from physical dangers, nudging away from a cliff and back onto the roadway. But in so many ways we do them a solid just remembering to be their lines, allowing them grace to go outside them and find their own way back in to what extent they decide.I used to parent in many ways that were based on how others told me I had to -or had insinuated what I was not doing. And in many areas like those above I lived by those ways, I just kept them hidden so I wouldn't be parented, on my parenting. Or question my truth.Turns out I know what to do, I know how to be a mom to my kids, I've known all along. And when I’m in alignment with what I’m doing based on my own opinions, it comes natural, kind and with soft edges. However  if I’m making choices based on other people’s opinions I’m not aligned with - it sharpens my edges and I’m more so crabby in those times. I am not saying people parenting any other way -are doing it wrong, I’m saying we get to chose. We get to chose what is right for ourselves and right by our child(ren), and per child. Each one needing for something different.We get to trust ourselves.I only wish I’d realized this sooner.But I know now. And it’s beautiful! Take good care, travel safeSami