Marriage: Over

“But you loved her? Yes. And she loved you? Yes. Then why did it end? Because love and compatibility are not always the same thing.” Sue M.Mao

I realize approaching divorce I had some preconceived notion that divorce was messy, hard and a fight that no one escapes unscathed. It is what society shows us, it is what we hear stories about.

Marriage itself is a chosen legal contractual document filed with the courts that is agreed upon between two individuals to love, honor and take care of each other in a shared life and all that entails.

Divorce if it follows later, is just one step in that shared life to take those whom are legally, contractually married and process the termination of that contract.

Divorce is merely the process of a choice to cancel that contractual document on file, prior to its expiration date (ask my ex husband, one time while I was standing on a tall shelf and he asked what I was doing…. while dusting our framed marriage certificate I said “looking for the expiration date”…) while I meant that all in good fun we all know there isn’t one -we went into this for life.

Divorce is also conversation(s) full of decisions to divide up all that which was acquired while existing together under this contractual time of life.

But divorce, isn’t as simply, that which it could be. In financially paying the lively hood of attorneys and for their business to surpass thriving, there does need to be monumental gain of funds to provide their business that profit. We are at the mercy of a hired service, during a time of our most raw emotions and hard life transitions. We feel a trust with that service to which we have employed, however, they don’t always have our best interest at heart -over the almighty billable hours.

When my ex husband and I separated we met for dinner and had a good conversation about what we wanted as far as physical possessions and dividing our time with our children. I was so full of hope and thought to hell with what others say, this doesn’t have to be hard.

But you see, (what others say) told us it was hard, it was going to be harder and to my knowledge we each had people in our lives (from the outside) saying to us “what he was doing to her” and “what she was doing to him” scenarios that were not factual events. In our period of high emotions and grief, other people told us how we could not trust each other, insert lawyers, and the problems began just as everyone said they would.

If only we could enter into the act of divorce, with the same love we entered into the marriage, we could attempt to maintain a certain level of compassion in remembrance of the promise “in good times and bad”, and not act with any bitter intent to cause harm to each other in the process.

I’m sure you are thinking (yah right, if the same love was there then we wouldn’t be getting divorced). But hear me out and think about it.

Because honestly, I know that just because I didn’t feel like my ex husband loved me the way I wanted/needed for, doesn’t mean I don’t also know that he loved me with all he had and in the best way he knew how. And same goes for him, I am sure I failed to meet his expectations of how he wanted to be and feel loved from me, but it doesn’t mean I wasn’t loving him the best way I knew how.

Being able to recognize we did not bring out the best in each other, knowing we had tried, knowing we had the conversations over several years and it was a cycle continually repeated, knowing we were both good people just not our best selves together -that is when I knew it was safe in that divorce was the next step for us.

I had this knowing that we were unkind to each other for years, knowing that it was mutual behavior we were both guilty of, and all the times I thought this is just what you do…. because we have kids.

Wait!

We have kids!

{That is the key phrase I think so many of us get backwards}

Our kids were seeing us be unkind to each other, therefore our kids were being robbed of each of us having the ability to fully be our best selves so, in staying together for the kids, we were taking from them and not actually giving them anything but a false sense of what a healthy relationship looks like.

If you’re in a rut in a relationship, legally binding or otherwise, and you are having reoccurring thoughts of doing this/staying for the kids -ask yourself would I want this relationship for my kids? Can we work harder in any aspects of this? And if not, how do we show them it’s ok to admit something isn’t working and it’s ok prioritize the betterment of yourself and your partner.

This does not make it easier, there is still so much to figure out and layers of grief -but, it is worth it.

Five years later, it is still hard. We are connected for life and still don’t know how to be with that connection (in the without) and around each other in some interactions and it feels tense sometimes. None of us know what we are doing, it is all messy, but that doesn’t have to come with a negative connotation. And further, each family has to figure out what the right way(s) are for them and this may look wildly different family to family, there are no manuals to this shit storm, just doing -fucking it all up, reflecting and navigating what’s next.

And contrary to popular belief, you do not have to dislike or in any capacity maintain tension and fighting with your ex because society makes that feel like the next step.

I get the strangest looks from people when I tell them my ex has stayed with us before to spend time with the kids -hey I get it, so many are uncomfortable with anything outside that societal norm without realization we all get to make up our own norm. Just because there isn’t a marriage, doesn’t mean a relationship doesn’t continue to exist. And we have even said to each other hey, you make a pretty good ex husband/ex wife.

We don’t get things right, we aren’t perfect (no one is), but we’re still learning and trying even when sometimes it takes longer to realize we need to make another adjustment to the betterment of our blended chaos.

I do not regret our marriage, I do not regret our divorce.

I do know everything can provide a learning experience, and I never intend to make another human feel hurt or unloved but that in times of succumbing to societal pressures did exacerbated it all, so I work to keep showing up trying to reflect and do better, that is all any of us can do.

Take good care and travel safe,

Samantha

2013: There we were checking the life boxes, but we weren’t showing up fully present, and we were privately hurting.

2020: While this is the most recent family picture over a year ago, here we are, we are humans that are healing and have found joys in life -even still coexisting together as legally apart.

(This was also our position open ad haha!)